This is the end, this is not the end

32

February 26, 2017 by kruckr

On Monday, July 1, 2013 at 11:15 p.m. my life forever changed. On Friday, Feb. 24 at approximately 12:30 a.m. my life forever changed. For, we now know that this is the date we lost our sweet boy. We will never understand what caused the seizure that took his life, or why it had to happen at all. As I write these words, I feel completely empty. There is nothing that will assuage the pain and heartbreak we feel.

Because the end is part of his story, I will tell it to the best of my abilities, but I wanted you all to know what you’re reading from the beginning.

I had just gone to sleep, after a long day sitting in the ER with Dan and Henry for another seizure. The longest he had to date, and the first one where we had to give Diastat. They did some blood work, observed him and after several hours sent us home with some minor medicine changes. He was exhausted when we got home. We let him sleep.

He woke around 7 p.m., ate some dinner and we played for a while. Dan gave him a bath and we played some more. I was so tired, I had to go lie down.

If I had only known.

After midnight, I heard Dan screaming his name … then my name. I called 911. We started CPR and about eight minutes later rescue arrived and swept us off to the closest ER. They continued CPR there and poked and prodded my poor boy something fierce trying to get a vein. It took round after round of medicine and continued compressions to get his heart beating on its own … nearly an hour had passed.

The mobile ICU arrived and delivered him to Wolfson’s Children’s around 3 a.m. He was still unresponsive and his stats were off the charts. We waited and prayed, waited and prayed. They did more tests, waited and prayed.  They started using words like “no sign of brain activity” we waited and prayed. “Pupils fixed and dialated,” fierce praying … “Brain death” … agonizing, begging and pleading for the Lord to intervene.

At approximately 6:05 p.m. on Saturday, Feb. 25th, my sweet sweet boy, my Henry, was declared dead. Of course we now know that his life ended, there on the floor of his bedroom the day before. The medicines and machines kept his poor, broken body going, but his spirit had already gone.

Nothing can prepare  a parent to lose a child. No matter how many stories you hear. No matter what other families have to endure. You always believe your child will come back. There are no words to express what we feel right now. There are also no guidelines for what to do after. Luckily we have a team of people on our side guiding us through these impossible decisions.

We have decided, that what’s left of Henry’s life will not go in vain. His body will help others heal theirs and in turn, his life will go on … in a way. The next 12-24 hours will be spent preparing him for that process. We will say our final goodbyes when the transplant team arrives.

I have no plans for how our lives will proceed without him, how I will survive without the feelings of his little hands on my face, the feeling of his body against mine, the sound of his laughs, even his whines. I want to bottle it all up, but it was part of him and it left with him. Pictures and videos will have to suffice … and they’re not enough.

I know Henry is walking hand-in-hand with Grandma Bev, Papa Bob, his Papa he never met, Tobin, Lexi, and all the 1p36 angels in Heaven. I will try to find comfort in that in the days, months and years to come. I will try to hold onto my faith that we will see each other again one day when we meet on streets of gold. I do not know how I will get by until then. And I’m angry that Ella will never really get to know her big brother.

For everyone who has prayed, brought food, ran errands, called, texted, messaged, and done other things I may not even be aware of … thank you! Especially to his amazing Godparents, who have seen him and us through and taken care of my girl, so we can focus on Henry. If this process has shown me nothing else, it’s shown me the goodness in people’s hearts and it reminded me just how many people my little man has affected. I don’t think anyone who ever met him, wasn’t affected by him. It just wasn’t possible. His light was that bright.

IMG_8479-1

Henry Robert Kruck

2013 – 2017

 

Advertisements

32 thoughts on “This is the end, this is not the end

  1. I am so sorry… as a parent that has lost, I totally understand your emptiness… prayers for peace and strength to envelope you.

  2. Laurie Molzahn says:

    What a gift God gave us when he blessed you with Henry. You and Dan are incredible parents. Becca you are an incredible mom, woman. I don’t understand the “why”. I can barely utter the word yet. The only thing I do know is the Lord will get you through this. I don’t know how but I trust in His word that He will.

  3. Dylan M. says:

    Mrs Kruck, prayers sent your way. Your a strong person. So sorry about all of this 🙁

  4. Pam francisco says:

    I am so sad for your loss. I am comforted knowing he is in a glorious place and hope you can find solace in that. I have you in my prayers. I commend you for deciding others to live with gifts from your son. That was a brave and wonderful choice you made. May your beautiful boy rest in peace and joyful in God’s embrace.

  5. Jennifer says:

    You do not know me but I have heard a lot about you and Henry by Nicole.

    See, my son also has epilepsy and this absolutely breaks my heart! I prayed for Henry and your family as soon as I heard the news from Nicole.

    Heaven has gained another angel. I will pray for your healing and my thoughts and prayers arev with you.❤

  6. Yvonne & Peter Bartolomeo says:

    What a beautiful tribute to Henry. We are so sorry for your loss. We never met Henry but know how much he touched our daughter Lauren and her husband Tom’s lives. Your last visit was so special to them as they were so delighted to be able to give Henry a horse ride on Jake. May God bless you all and may Henry rest in peace with our dear Lord.

  7. Lisa Nixon says:

    I am so heartbroken for your family’s loss of Henry! I will be praying for you that God continues to give you strength.

  8. JANE Larsen says:

    I didn’t know him, but have been following his story through Laurie Molzahn, who is a friend of mine. I’m so sorry this happened to you. I cannot even imagine what you’re going through, but when I try, a cold shiver runs down my spine and my heart siezes up. I will pray for you and your family for comfort. You are right though, Henry touched my life and I’ve never met him. God Bless and Keep you!

  9. Bridget Sharrar says:

    I couldn’t fathom what I was seeing this morning as I started to read this. I am so sorry Rebecca, I really have no words. But you have written such a beautiful tribute. To quote you … ‘I don’t think anyone who ever met him, wasn’t affected by him. It just wasn’t possible. His light was that bright’. So true! Thinking of you and praying fir your family.

  10. Tiffiny Dudley says:

    From 1P36 mom to another I am so sorry you have to go through this. I have no words but know we are all praying for you. Hugs and prayers from the Dudley Family.

  11. Diane Anderson owen says:

    I am so so sorry. The loss of a child is the greatest hurt of all. Sending you all the strrengh possible to help see you and your family through this One moment at a time

  12. BOB HUSS says:

    I am so sorry for this wonderful little boys parents. I can not imagine your loss. I am also sorry for my friends Mary and Rob Kruck. Thoughts and prayers are with your entire family.

  13. B says:

    I am deeply moved by your story and ache for you in your loss. I will be praying for you and your family.

  14. Jean Borrell says:

    Many prayers to you all…praying for God’s strength to give you strength and peace,
    Jean and Dave Borrell (Lacey’s inlaws)

  15. Carla says:

    I lost my Henry in 2012 at age 2 1/2… my thoughts and prayers go out to you and your whole family

  16. Billine says:

    I’m so sorry for your loss. Please remember that ” He’s not gone, he’s only away”. The treasured memories you have of him will be the warmth of his love keeping him with you until you meet. You,daddy & his little sister were his happiness and love while here on earth. You gave him everything,love,happiness,joy, laughter,excitement and life!!!! Please know our Heavenly father will be with you to hold you up and give you the strenght you need at this time. Your little man will always be your guardian angel, you’ll feel his presence all the time.

  17. Toni says:

    A Child on Loan
    a poem
    by – Edgar Guest

    ~

    “I’ll lend to you for a little time,
    A child of mine,” God said,
    “For you to love while he lives
    And mourn for when he’s dead.”

    “It may be one or seven years
    Or twenty-one or three,
    But will you till I call him back,
    Take care of him for me?”

    “He’ll bring his charms to gladden you
    And should his stay be brief,
    You’ll have these precious memories
    To comfort you through grief.”

    “I cannot promise he will stay
    Since all from earth return.
    But there are lessons taught down there
    I want this child to learn.”

    “I’ve looked this world over,
    In my search for teachers true.
    In the crowds of this great land,
    I have selected you.”

    “Now will you give him all your love
    Not think the labor vain,
    Nor hate me when I come to call
    To take him back again?”

    I fancied what I heard them say,
    “Dear Lord, Thy will be done.
    For all the joy Thy child shall bring,
    the risk of grief we’ll run.

    We’ll shelter him with tenderness,
    we’ll love him while we may,
    And for the happiness we’ve known,
    forever grateful stay.

    But should the angels call for him,
    sooner than we’ve planned,
    We’ll brave the bitter grief that comes
    and try to understand

  18. Mary Beth Drewniany says:

    Dear Kruck’s,
    My heart goes out to you. Indeed, Henry was a special little guy. Not only did I look forward to visits @ home for therapy, but I always Checked in on him, when I visited others @ CSI.
    Rebecca, you are an example of the best that God has to offer, when choosing Moms for our fragile children. Your devotion, patience and dedication to seeing that Henry led a full, well rounded life was exemplary. Stay strong an know that Henry loved his parents very much

  19. Melissa and Joe Olivares says:

    Becca and Dan,

    I am SO sorry for the loss of your precious little boy.

    Know there are many people with broken hearts and your family in our thoughts.

    You are loved. Keep strong for your baby girl.

    Rest in peace, #Tank.

  20. Greg Harris says:

    I’v never met you, but I’m a dad of a boy with 1p36… Praying for you and grieving with you.

  21. Lilladyteacher@comcast.net says:

    Just wanted to let you know that you and your family are in my prayers.

  22. Maggie Lewis says:

    You and Dan are in our prayers. God will comfort you and strengthen you to continue on. I have read your blog since the day you gave me a slip of paper with the blog address on it after your shower at Westview. You are and will continue to be a good teacher, but I know that you are a Great mother. Henry had the best, and I believe he knew it, he felt it, and he expressed it. My family and I are praying for you all. God bless you!!

  23. Christina Labella says:

    We have been praying for your sweet boy and you all also. Makes me so sad to hear he lost his battle, we will be praying God comforts your broken hearts and carries you through. I’m so sorry for your loss.

  24. Kimberly Devine-Brink says:

    There are no words, and even saying that isn’t enough to express how much I wish I had words to make it better.

  25. I am so sorry you have lost your little Henry. I didn’t know him and I don’t know you, but I feel a connection because I have buried two of my children in infancy. I know the pain you are feeling and I can tell you that it never goes away. God has not done this to punish you guys because He doesn’t work that way. God needed your sweet little boy in heaven just as he needed my two beautiful little girls. We don’t know why. We will never know. One thing you will always know is that you will see your precious baby in heaven when you get there. So hold onto that thought for the rest of your life and. take comfort in that knowledge. Henry will be with you always. You may not be able to hold him in your arms, but you can always talk to him. Just like God, whom we talk to daily. We can’t see Him but we know he is there. It will be the same with Henry. God bless you and you family.

  26. My heart breaks for you and your family. I am so sorry. God bless you!

  27. Heather Lawson says:

    I lost my son 12 years ago, and there is never a day I don’t think about him, but God has guided my journey as he will your’s as well. I don’t know you, but I know what your going through and having other children doesn’t it make it easier because their grieving to and we have to be strong when we really want to break, but I know you are strong and your little angel will always be with you watching over you and his family. May God bless you and your family and cover you with healing love.

  28. Fraya Hopster says:

    Rebecca and Dan – From Bev’s cousins and Aunt Marie in California our hearts go out to you during this difficult time. Take comfort in all of your sweet and precious memories of the years you got to spend with Henry. As you pass on stories of him to Ella he’ll be there, shining through and she’ll know that her big brother is watching over her and shining his love down upon her. He’s never truly gone as he lives on in your hearts and memories. Our love and prayers are with you. May God bless you all.

  29. Roshanda says:

    A beautiful bundle of laughter and joy. Thank you for allowing us to grow with you and your family. My heart and soul goes out to everyone that had the chance to get to know him. I will always remember Henry’s big beautiful smile. Keeping everyone in my prayers. Love

  30. I don’t know you. But 5 months ago, I also prayed fervently in the PICU of Wolfson’s for the Lord to intervene on behalf of my 57-day old sweet boy. He didn’t. I don’t know why. But I know there is a why. Our circumstances are very different, but also very the same. I will pray for your sweet boy’s welcome into our Heavenly Kingdom, and for your heart. Your love is strong enough to stretch to Heaven, Mama, but there will be days you don’t want to live on this earth another second without him. If you ever want a listening ear, someone who has been there, recently, Facebook me. I am also a member of several really wonderful loss mom groups on Facebook, and some days, they are the only ones I can turn to. I can add you if you like. May your beautiful boy leave his light shining in his wake, I have no doubts he will. Prayers, love, and empathy.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: